Think hard – what’s the hardest thing you’ve had to go through? What’s the most painful thing you had to swallow and live with? What’s worst than knowing that you fucked up, and you can’t do a thing about it? What’s a worse feeling that fucking up once and knowing that you’ve been condemned for life? Found guilty in a court of law, sentenced and punished according to the law; yet found guilty in the eyes of others, and subsequently given a life sentence with no possiblity of parole?

It’s not easy to admit that you were in the wrong, that you made a mistake and that you shouldn’t have done so. It’s definitely not easy to live with decisions that you made, choices you chose, and paths that you chose to walk.

How many nights were spent smoking alone, thinking, wondering, contemplating of the repercussions, of the possible outcomes and possible scenarios, worrying about everything else. It sure as hell feels like shit knowing that you’ve got more to give, and yet being denied this chance. At the end of the day, I know that I’ve only got myself to blame, but it’s definitely not easy swallowing it and knowing that things could have been so much different if I only chose to take a different path, to make certain different actions, and to be a little bit more street-smart.

I’ve come a long way from 4-5 months ago – thrust forward and forced to grow up fast and to mature. Way beyond my age? Maybe not, but a definite 180 degree change from who I was. I don’t judge, so why should I be judged to such an extent? I don’t bear grudges, so why should there be grudges born against me? I forget easily, and forgive even more readily, so why am I denied the chance to be forgiven?

It’s not easy for me to apologise, to take a step back and to admit to mistakes. I’ve done all those and more, am I not deserving of a second chance to make amends and to make things right?

It’s not enough, it never is.
But I will go on until the end.
I’ve lost my way.
I’ve lost my way, but I will go on until the end.

Breaking Benjamin – Until the End

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