5.30am

I hate staying awake because there’s nobody online to talk to at 5.30am, and it sure as hell feels lonely as fuck in my room.

But I still have to finish my webcast and my essay outline. Damn it.

Now playing:
Secondhand Serenade – Fall for you

What the fuck.

When someone asks you if you want to go for supper, it actually means “hey would you like to head out to grab a bite with me/us?” and not “hey you want to da bao anything?”

Everybody has fucking 8am or 10am lectures or tutorials, and everybody needs to fucking sleep. If you want to eat, have the fucking basic courtesy off heading out with them to eat, and not assuming that they’re going to da bao for you.

You’re using people, arseholes. That’s not a nice thing to do, unless you’re always offering to da bao for others as well. You need to fucking study, need to fucking rest, need to fucking masturbate or do whatever you fucks do in your rooms at night. But hey, here’s news for you – SO DO WE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

Goddamn it.

Stereotypes

Stereotyping is bad, mmkay?

And people who can do paperwork and handle administrative stuff are important mmkay?

We’ve become desolate

Think hard – what’s the hardest thing you’ve had to go through? What’s the most painful thing you had to swallow and live with? What’s worst than knowing that you fucked up, and you can’t do a thing about it? What’s a worse feeling that fucking up once and knowing that you’ve been condemned for life? Found guilty in a court of law, sentenced and punished according to the law; yet found guilty in the eyes of others, and subsequently given a life sentence with no possiblity of parole?

It’s not easy to admit that you were in the wrong, that you made a mistake and that you shouldn’t have done so. It’s definitely not easy to live with decisions that you made, choices you chose, and paths that you chose to walk.

How many nights were spent smoking alone, thinking, wondering, contemplating of the repercussions, of the possible outcomes and possible scenarios, worrying about everything else. It sure as hell feels like shit knowing that you’ve got more to give, and yet being denied this chance. At the end of the day, I know that I’ve only got myself to blame, but it’s definitely not easy swallowing it and knowing that things could have been so much different if I only chose to take a different path, to make certain different actions, and to be a little bit more street-smart.

I’ve come a long way from 4-5 months ago – thrust forward and forced to grow up fast and to mature. Way beyond my age? Maybe not, but a definite 180 degree change from who I was. I don’t judge, so why should I be judged to such an extent? I don’t bear grudges, so why should there be grudges born against me? I forget easily, and forgive even more readily, so why am I denied the chance to be forgiven?

It’s not easy for me to apologise, to take a step back and to admit to mistakes. I’ve done all those and more, am I not deserving of a second chance to make amends and to make things right?

It’s not enough, it never is.
But I will go on until the end.
I’ve lost my way.
I’ve lost my way, but I will go on until the end.

Breaking Benjamin – Until the End

Sick

Down with throat infection, flu, fever. What a fucking awesome way to start FWOC.

Production 07/08

Before I completely forget (I’ve wanted to blog since it ended, honest to God!), great job to everybody who was involved in Kent Ridge Hall’s Production 07/08. We all left our hearts at Outram Park – instrumentalists, cast/ensemble, stage crew, audience alike.

20 practices, countless sleepless nights trying to rearrange the songs, 20 sessions of ear-shattering cymbals shimmers and trumpets/saxophones in enclosed areas, and at least 10 sessions of moving the damned drumset out into the MPSH, not to mention the torture of moving everything from the band room to the lorry, and into the orchestra pit in UCC itself.

Props (pun intended) to all the people in the background who made it a success, and props to ZP for making the music happen!

We left our hearts at Outram Park!

http://alvyn.blogsome.com til further notice.

Bad mojo

Well I guess someone I talked to on MSN summarized the whole week up in just one simple phrase “A lot of bad things have happened this week.”

Fyi, I don’t know who you are, but I know that you will screw up one day and I will know who you are. So please, be prepared for that day to come because I won’t forget anything.

A little shoutout to Laremy, smile dude, and the world smiles (or in this case, if its me, you should probably rephrase it to, smoke and alvyn’ll smoke) with you.

Shoutout to Ian Troll, who’s flying off to UK Imperial College this Friday (Fysh, Ben.. Friday 1830hrs at Changi Airport to send him off okay?), have fun in UK and meet up again when you’re back in December alright?

Last but not least, a very important shoutout to Mel, for being there for me throughout, having that unwavering trust in me that I really appreciate. Thank you for being the pillar of light that heralded me out of the tunnel. Thank you, and I love you.

Before I sign off for the weekend, lyrics from a song that has been with me for a while.

Just Surrender – Tell me everything

Just one more hour
and I’ll know the truth that separates the right From all the wrong feelings that
You have about me your grace is distracting me

So white out the memories
of each sarcastic shot you took at me
With your hurtful tones and biting melodies

Just one more outburst
and I’m leaving you like you left me one year ago
and I know that this could never be an apology from you

A meaning buried
under shuttered breathing
Its taking too long for me to spit it out

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die tonight I’ll dream my pain away

I’ll let the lack of words speak for me
the way I am I can’t express or understand
I’ll take the time now to make you see (you see)

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die tonight I’ll dream my pain away

I see through your lies, they’re bleeding from your eyes.

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die I’m on my way

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die tonight I’ll dream my pain away

Falling headfirst, helplessly, into the deep dark abyss, not knowing what the hell lies ahead of me. Both choices hurt, both choices suck, and both choices seem so wrong.

Falling headfirst, helplessly, off the deep fucking end.