When I wish upon a star.

Fast cars and freedom

There’s been this influx of negative things happening my life to date, and really, I don’t particularly feel like going into details about it.

I know I’ve never been one to put my life in the hands of religion, but surely if there’s a God, and He’s as compassionate and loving as He’s made out to be, shouldn’t there be some form of compassion and love towards those who’ve placed their lives wholeheartedly in His hands?

What kind of a God gives nothing but trials and tribulations to the ones who love Him unconditionally?

What kind of a God gives nothing to the ones who give everything to him?

What kind of a God is that?

And people ask me why I’m agnostic.

“You got a fast car, but is it fast enough so you can fly away”
Tracy Chapman – Fast Car

Who.

I’m here for everybody.

Who’s here for me?

Jason Mraz – Absolutely zero

You. You were a friend. You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night
You see it was my fault. Of course it was mine.
I’m too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life.
I’m sorry for wasting your time.

See who am I to say this situation isn’t great? When it’s my job to make the most of it
Of course I didn’t know that it would happen to me. Not that easy.

Hey what’s that you say? You’re not blaming me for anything well that’s great
But I don’t break that easy. Does it fade away?
So that’s why I’m, I’m apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it
I just don’t get enough to believe that we’ve both changed.

See who am I to say this situation isn’t great? It’s my time to make the most of it
Of course I didn’t know that it would happen to me. Not that easy.
If all along the fault is up for grabs why can’t you have it
If it’s for sale what is your offer, I’ll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Well neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away
And it’s not an easy thing to learn to play a game that’s made for two that’s you and me
The rules remain a mystery. See it can be easy.

See who am I to say this situation isn’t great? It’s our time to make the most of it
How could we ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
When all along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it
If it’s for sale what is your offer, I’ll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

5.30am

I hate staying awake because there’s nobody online to talk to at 5.30am, and it sure as hell feels lonely as fuck in my room.

But I still have to finish my webcast and my essay outline. Damn it.

Now playing:
Secondhand Serenade – Fall for you

Reflections and regrets

It’s really when you’re alone and when your mind’s clear that you start thinking and reflecting on the past. Regretting at times, cherishing memories when they come, and most importantly of all, knowing that you’re still sane and you’ve got a long way to go in life.

My maternal grandfather passed away when I was in Primary 4. I received the news after I got my report book, I topped my class and was so excited about it, until my dad told me in the car that Ah Gong passed away. Strangely enough, I don’t recall feeling extremely sad by it, probably because I didn’t have a strong bond with my Ah Gong. I can remember comforting my cousin during the funeral, and how everybody was crying during the cremation itself, but that’s about it. I’ve not had a single dream with him in it, and I can’t recall the last time I visited his niche, or for that matter, where it is at now.

My paternal grandfather passed away before I enlisted into Army, while I was at work. I remember visiting him before I headed to work, seeing him in the ICU with tubes all over, bloated due to water retention, and in a coma. I remember trying to talk to him a few times, but being unable to talk much because he couldn’t reply me (obviously), and I didn’t know what to say. Fast forward to the day of his death. I remember not sleeping for 2 days, staying with his coffin to talk to him, and buying him coffee on the day of his cremation. I remember telling him that I let him down as the eldest grandson because I had never gotten coffee for him before, and the first time I did it was only after his death. I remember being an emo wreck, and my legs giving way during the cremation, and blacking out after that.

My maternal grandmother passed away on the 3rd day of FWOC last year. My parents didn’t really give me details about her condition, though I knew it was serious. I never expected her to pass away so soon. I kinda visited her only twice during the entire FWOC period with Fabian, and I remember her struggling to sit up to see us when we arrived. I remember waking up at 8am, receiving an SMS from my dad that simply said, “Ah Ma passed away this morning peacefully.”, and I remember thinking in my heart, “How the fuck can anybody pass away peacefully?” I remember sitting in my room, chain smoking until I was composed enough to shower, change up and cab down straight away. The next couple of days flew by quickly, and I had to rush to and fro from Tampines to Kent Ridge Hall to do my biddings, attend various matriculation fairs etc etc. I remember my cousin calling me after I left the wake, and asking me to “slow down”, because he was going at 120kmph and he couldn’t keep up with me. I delivered the eulogy in both English and Chinese prior to her cremation at Mandai Crematorium, and I remember choking over words and struggling to find my compusure as I spoke. I remember heading back to hall right after that, sleeping and refusing to wake up for at least a whole day. Everything else was a blur, as I chain smoked 1-2 packs a day, and binge drinking – the last thing I remembered before waking up in my room with a fucking awesome hangover was downing Chivas from the bottle, along with countless shots of JD and cans of beer.

In a way, I’m glad that I had a chance to experience everything. I’ve lost loved ones, but I’ve gained valuable lessons, and I’ve learnt to cherish what I have around me. My paternal grandmother’s still around, and I’ve made the effort to spare at least one day to visit her, and to have lunch with her. I can tell that she’s happy that I’m visiting her, and though I can’t speak fantastic Cantonese, she’s too happy that I’m visiting to bother that I’m speaking in Chinese/English.

I did lose some, but at the same time, I’ve gained some too.

We’ve become desolate

Think hard – what’s the hardest thing you’ve had to go through? What’s the most painful thing you had to swallow and live with? What’s worst than knowing that you fucked up, and you can’t do a thing about it? What’s a worse feeling that fucking up once and knowing that you’ve been condemned for life? Found guilty in a court of law, sentenced and punished according to the law; yet found guilty in the eyes of others, and subsequently given a life sentence with no possiblity of parole?

It’s not easy to admit that you were in the wrong, that you made a mistake and that you shouldn’t have done so. It’s definitely not easy to live with decisions that you made, choices you chose, and paths that you chose to walk.

How many nights were spent smoking alone, thinking, wondering, contemplating of the repercussions, of the possible outcomes and possible scenarios, worrying about everything else. It sure as hell feels like shit knowing that you’ve got more to give, and yet being denied this chance. At the end of the day, I know that I’ve only got myself to blame, but it’s definitely not easy swallowing it and knowing that things could have been so much different if I only chose to take a different path, to make certain different actions, and to be a little bit more street-smart.

I’ve come a long way from 4-5 months ago – thrust forward and forced to grow up fast and to mature. Way beyond my age? Maybe not, but a definite 180 degree change from who I was. I don’t judge, so why should I be judged to such an extent? I don’t bear grudges, so why should there be grudges born against me? I forget easily, and forgive even more readily, so why am I denied the chance to be forgiven?

It’s not easy for me to apologise, to take a step back and to admit to mistakes. I’ve done all those and more, am I not deserving of a second chance to make amends and to make things right?

It’s not enough, it never is.
But I will go on until the end.
I’ve lost my way.
I’ve lost my way, but I will go on until the end.

Breaking Benjamin – Until the End

Eels – I need some sleep

I need some sleep
It can’t go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there’s one I always miss
Everyone says I’m getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I’m in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning ’round
Everyone says I’m getting’ down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

Dishwalla – Candleburn

on Vineland past the candle shrine that burns on every night
for someone
she lets herself go
like an angel in the snow
she lays down on her back
down on her back – she goes

take me over when I’m gone
take me over make me strong
take me over when I’m gone
will they burn for me

on Vineland past the candle shrine that melts into the street design
she waits – for someone
tonight she’ll give herself away
she’ll break apart all by herself
its so easy how we come undone

take me over when I’m gone
take me over make me strong
take me over when I’m gone
will they burn for me

she pulls me in – strips me down
she pulls me in – turns me out
she pulls me in – strips me down

take me over when I’m gone
take me over make me strong
take me over when I’m gone
will they burn for me
will they burn for me

http://alvyn.blogsome.com til further notice.

Bad mojo

Well I guess someone I talked to on MSN summarized the whole week up in just one simple phrase “A lot of bad things have happened this week.”

Fyi, I don’t know who you are, but I know that you will screw up one day and I will know who you are. So please, be prepared for that day to come because I won’t forget anything.

A little shoutout to Laremy, smile dude, and the world smiles (or in this case, if its me, you should probably rephrase it to, smoke and alvyn’ll smoke) with you.

Shoutout to Ian Troll, who’s flying off to UK Imperial College this Friday (Fysh, Ben.. Friday 1830hrs at Changi Airport to send him off okay?), have fun in UK and meet up again when you’re back in December alright?

Last but not least, a very important shoutout to Mel, for being there for me throughout, having that unwavering trust in me that I really appreciate. Thank you for being the pillar of light that heralded me out of the tunnel. Thank you, and I love you.

Before I sign off for the weekend, lyrics from a song that has been with me for a while.

Just Surrender – Tell me everything

Just one more hour
and I’ll know the truth that separates the right From all the wrong feelings that
You have about me your grace is distracting me

So white out the memories
of each sarcastic shot you took at me
With your hurtful tones and biting melodies

Just one more outburst
and I’m leaving you like you left me one year ago
and I know that this could never be an apology from you

A meaning buried
under shuttered breathing
Its taking too long for me to spit it out

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die tonight I’ll dream my pain away

I’ll let the lack of words speak for me
the way I am I can’t express or understand
I’ll take the time now to make you see (you see)

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die tonight I’ll dream my pain away

I see through your lies, they’re bleeding from your eyes.

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die I’m on my way

Tell me everything will be alright
Close your eyes and dream of me tonight
Tell me that you won’t just fade away
Cross my heart and hope to die tonight I’ll dream my pain away

As ripped from Laremy’s blog.

A little something I koped from laremy’s blog.

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart. Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.”

The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared – how could he say his heart was more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man’s heart and saw its state and laughed. “You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.”

“Yes,” said the old man, “yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love – I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges — giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

蔡旻佑-我可以

寄 没有地址得信
这样得情绪 有种距离
你 放著谁的歌曲
是怎样的心情 能不能说给我听
雨 下得好安静
是不是你偷偷在哭泣
幸福 真的不容易
在你得背景 有我爱你~
我可以 陪你去看星星 不用再多说明 我就要和你在一起
我不想 又再ㄧ次和你分离
我多麼想每一次的美丽 是因为你
情 没有地址得信
这样的情绪 有种距离
你 放著谁得歌曲
是怎样的心情 能不能说给我听
雨 下的好安静
是不是你 偷偷在哭泣
幸福 他真的不容易
在你得背景 有我爱你
我可以 陪你去看星星 不用多说明
我就要和你在一起 我不想又在一次和你分离
我多麼想每一次的美丽 是因为你
我可以 陪你去看星星 不用再多说明
我就要和你在一起 我不想 又再ㄧ次和你分离
我多麼想每一次的美丽 是因为你

All the pieces just fall into place sometimes.

Falling headfirst, helplessly, into the deep dark abyss, not knowing what the hell lies ahead of me. Both choices hurt, both choices suck, and both choices seem so wrong.

Falling headfirst, helplessly, off the deep fucking end.

李圣杰-最近

你最近不说话
怎麽了为什麽
是不是有什麽事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单
有点乱有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁
你想要的
我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束
不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

爱我却不能给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束
不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
这一次我们都能很幸福

mesmerize,
your eyes, the endless pools of radiant light

mesmerize,
your smile, that dazzles and banishes the night

mesmerize,
you, the epitome and personification of it all

above all,
you, mesmerize.

Don’t wait til its too late to cherish a loved one. I’m not one to express my emotions freely, and it sucks because everything you want to say can’t be said out. It’s alright I guess, because actions do speak louder than words.

Sometimes if you wait too long, you might just end up regretting your decision.

Where’s God now?

“… and every once in a while, a song pops up that you wish you’d wrote.”

And in my case, every once in a while, you listen to a really groovy lick that a certain drummer uses at certain parts of a song, and I just wondered if I’d have thought about it, if I were in his shoes.

Self-doubt is never good for a musician.

Self-doubt is never good for anybody.

But I guess self-doubt magically appears out of no where on nights when you’re emo and (again) thinking about stuff in the past. Nobody’s perfect, and nobody spends his/her life without thinking about things that happened in the past, decisions made, and regretting them.

I could attempt to smoke it off. But knowing myself, smoking alone will probably make me think more.

My life’s really funny at times. At times in my life when a new chapter’s about to unfurl, bad mojo appears and bad things follow. My grandfather passed away before I enlisted. My uncle passed away just as I got into OCS. And now? My grandmother’s in SGH, in critical condition, just before I start university.

Looking at her lying on the hospital bed, I don’t even know what to say. I couldn’t even stay in the room for more than a few minutes before choking up on my emotions. It was as though the emotions in the room itself manifested themselves within me, and though I left the hospital barely 30 mins later for band practice, the feeling lingered. Sadness, feelings of self-doubt, hopelessness, and finally acceptance, swirled in a little eddie within me, stirring up emotions, feelings, thoughts and dreams – both fulfilled and broken.

It’s been almost a week, and still the feeling’s lingering within me.

And people ask me why I hate hospitals.

Hey God, I’m not your model Christian, I’m probably not even considered a Christian in Your eyes, but hey, my grandmother accepted you into her life. My uncles, aunties, mom and brother placed their lives in Your hands. So take it as a plea from me and count it in my debt to You, make her better if possible, or make her not suffer anymore. For her, and for my uncles, aunties and my mom. Me, suffer, why not, I’m not exactly in a position to ask for anything beneficial to myself now am I?

… that’s me in the corner, losing my religion

Kenny Rogers – She Believes In Me

While she lays sleeping, I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And its good when I finally make it home, all alone
While she lays dreaming, I try to get undressed without the light
And quietly she says how was your night?
And I come to her and say, it was all right, and I hold her tight

And she believes in me, Ill never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, find a way…

While she lays waiting, I stumble to the kitchen for a bite
Then I see my old guitar in the night
Just waiting for me like a secret friend, and theres no end
While she lays crying, I fumble with a melody or two
And Im torn between the things that I should do
And she says to wake her up when I am through,
God her love is true…

And she believes in me, Ill never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, while she waits… while she waits for me…

This ain’t a love song

Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time
Like we got away with the perfect crime but
We were just a legend in my mind
I guess that I was blind
Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade
The clowns wore smiles that wouldnt fade
You and I were the renegades, some things never change

光良 – 约定

说好的三年不见面
用我们的爱把时间留住
你笑着说这是我们的考验我们的约定
就这样三年又过了
我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼等你的出现
空气中吻你的脸
我还记得我们的约定
一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌
他也偷偷的掉泪了
我比以前还更爱你了
连那风都笑我了
我想他会告诉你的我更爱你了
我想他会告诉你的
你会记得我们的约定
听着风我也笑了
他一定会告诉你的我更爱你了

You know…

You know you’ve matured a little too much when your birthday means nothing to you, save for the fact that you know that you’re one year closer to dying.

You know that it won’t be the same when the person you want to celebrate with isn’t around to celebrate it with you.

想回到过去
试著抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去
试著让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

3 Doors Down – Here without you

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I’ve saw your pretty face

A thousand lights had made me colder
and I don’t think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
I’ve heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Nostalgia

Nostalgia’s like emotional cancer. It hits you when you least expect it to, and it lingers in you for a while, decaying and turning your emotions into this pile of unrecognisable mush.

For one reason or another, Jason Wade’s rendition of You Belong To Me has been on loop on my iTunes since last night, and it has been the only song on my ipod playlist to and fro camp.

For one reason or another, everytime the song starts I get this sudden nostalgia attack and my mind starts to drift off back to my JC days.

And for some reason or another, I look back and wonder what possessed me to do what I did back then.

But nostalgic emo posts aside, the band’s playing at Ben and Jerry’s Cathay on the 15th Feb 2007 at 8pm. A few of the songs we’ll be playing are:
1. Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
2. Hinder – Lips of an angel
3. Lifehouse – Blind

And once again, the band (shakenotstirred) is made up of:
1. Rhythm guitar/Vocals – Peh
2. Lead guitar – Ivan
3. Bass guitar – Yu Hui
4. Keyboards – Charlotte
5. Drums – Me

Bob Dylan – You belong to me

Beautiful song, beautiful voice, beautiful lyrics.

Simply beautiful

---

Bob Dylan – You belong to me
See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me
See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me

And I’ll be so alone without you
Maybe you’ll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it’s wet with rain
Just remember till
You’re home again
You belong to me

Oh I’ll be so alone without you
Maybe you’ll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it’s wet with rain
Just remember till
You’re home again
You belong to me

Muse – Invincible

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don’t give up the fight
You will be alright
‘Cause there’s no one like you in the universe

Don’t be afraid
What your mind conceives
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we’re invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let’s use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we’re invincible

Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be
And whatever they say
Your souls unbreakable

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let’s use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we’re invincible
Together we’re invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
Please, please
Let’s use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we’re invincible
Together we’re invincible

Rivermaya – You’ll be safe here

Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall i be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here

When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here

Shin – 死了都要爱

死了都要爱
不淋漓尽致不痛快
感情多深只有这样
才足够表白
死了都要爱
不哭到微笑不痛快
宇宙毁灭心还在
把每天当成是末日来相爱
一分一秒都美到泪水掉下来
不理会别人是看好或看坏
只要你勇敢跟我来
爱不用刻意安排
凭感觉去亲吻相拥就会很愉快
享受现在别一开怀就怕受伤害
许多奇迹我们相信才会存在
死了都要爱
不淋漓尽致不痛快
感情多深只有这样才足够表白
死了都要爱
不哭到微笑不痛快
宇宙毁灭心还在
穷途末路都要爱
不极度浪漫不痛快
发会雪白土会掩埋
思念不腐坏
到绝路都要爱
不天荒地老不痛快
不怕热爱变火海
爱到沸腾才精采

Through the fire and the flames

To quote Fysh, “when u’re in deep shit, think of 2-3 people u’d go to and who’ll help you.”

Yeah I’ve got my fair share of friends who won’t do things behind me, against me or basically put up a false front. You may not think that its a serious matter, or that I’m overreacting. But let’s just say that to me, it’s serious enough to spoil my mood for the past couple of days. You may think that its trivial and that I’ll probably simmer down and think rationally, but I am thinking rationally. I haven’t thought anything in my life through with such rationality before, and I’ve never weighed my friends and asked myself what I want in a friend I can count and depend on. Perhaps you might have been someone I could have counted on and depended on, but then again, I did say could, didn’t I?

Well, I’ve made my point crystal clear and I stand by everything I say. Rebutt all you want and scoff at whatever I’ve told you to “justify” my points (why justify? I don’t owe anybody anything do I?), but ultimately think through it and tell me if it makes sense.

And to Fysh, yeah, bros 4 lyfe nigga.

Of friendship and character.

I’m not angry. Annoyed and pissed off, maybe. But definitely not angry. What’s there to be angry about? When things don’t work out the way you’d expected it to, just dump it in favour of something else that may work in your favour.

Why call each other “bro” when its superficial? Is it really that cool to be associated with the people you hang out with? Does hanging out with each other for a long time naturally make us blood brothers? The answer’s no. I don’t call Fysh “bro” when I meet him, and neither does he. We don’t even bother saying anything like that because we’ve known each other for over 6 years, and I dare say I know his character as well as he knows mine. We don’t hide anything from each other, and we sure as hell don’t try to keep each other in the fucking dark over anything.

You called it a friendship. I call it a sham.

You called me your brother, I call it bullshit.

If the price to find out a person’s character’s the friendship itself, then this was a really good deal, and I’m glad to say that this is one transaction that went down in my favour.

End.

Of love and betrayal

There is no such thing as true love in the world, or for that matter, anywhere else. You’ll find thousands of people who propogate the fact that, “True love is when two people fall in love because they both fell in love with each other’s heart!” or some similarly nonsensically worded bullshit. Well fuck that, Uncle Alvyn says that true love exists because people just need a legitimate reason to justify how they fell in love, when it all started out from lust.

A cynic I may be, but the fucking truth, I do speak. How many people can touch their hearts, honestly, and say that they don’t care if said person doesn’t own a nice car, doesn’t have immense amounts of money, and doesn’t have lots of free time? Nobody can say that. How many people can honestly touch their hearts and say, “Hey I fell for this person because he was nice to me and really cared for me. Though he isn’t good looking, doesn’t have a nice ride and doesn’t compare up to a lot of people in terms of monetary abilities, I still love him because he has done so much for me and looked out for me for so long!” Nah. In my humble fucking opinion, none. True, along the way, such excuses and reasoning’ll probably pop up and become part and parcel of the reason for a relationship. But limpeh ka li kong, its all a bunch of bullshit excuses.

Somewhere along the line, love became measured in the ability to provide. Not just love, TLC and a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Love has evolved (in a really fucked up way if I may add) into the ability to provide material comfort, convenience, and most importantly, a sign of status. It never ceases to piss me off when I hear girls talk about how they aspire to be rich tai tais, and live off their husbands riches. If feminism exists, and womans’ rights exists, then I guess some females shouldn’t be protected under it. Why the fuck should there even be gender equality, if all a few females wanna do is just live off the husband? Why don’t we just classify them as the “weaker sex”, abolish all charters and acts protecting them, and just protect guys, since guys’ll be the ones working and slogging so that their wives/girlfriends can live off them? Good fucking idea, no?

This maybe insulting to some, it may piss some off, it may even make some people post fucking stupid comments about how myopic I am, but hey, with one finger, I say, FUCK THAT.

Ben’ll probably not be reading my blog, but Fysh’ll probably read it. And I’m not trying to drag up old stuff, but hey, if either of you guys are reading it, I can truly say that I know how Ben felt back then, and hey dude, I’m really sorry. Karma works both ways I guess, and karma doesn’t give a fuck who you are.

Band of brothers

We few,
We happy few,
We band of brothers.

For he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

I’ll be

It’s probably just the fact that I’m doing duty on a weekend for two consecutive days, or the fact that I’m on duty the day before Christmas that’s making me emo. Or it could be something else. Don’t know, don’t wanna know, don’t wish to find out either. To hell with the festive season, things don’t feel so fucking Chrismasy this year. There’s no festive cheer, no fucking anticipation, no eager waiting for Christmas to come. There’s nothing merry about christmas this year.

Shrugs. No updates for the next 2 days, and you probably won’t see me online because I’m in camp right now. Yeah, fuck this emotive bullshit phase nonsense.

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above

I’ll be your crying shoulder, whoever you are.

Of life and emonemos.

I think its a phase that HAS to happen every now and then. The point in time where everything in life seems to hit an absolute low, and when your spirits are so low that you can’t even think of anything that might remotely make you feel happier or cheer you up.

It’s funny how I just finished reading “Addicted to Unhappiness” and actually realised that that book has to be a God-sent for me, seeing how its so amazingly accurate and amazingly helpful, yet I still feel that life has this funny habit of playing around and fooling with me when I least expect it to.

There’re times when I think that maybe I’m just destined to do everything wrongly, and fall for the wrong people.

I will try to fix you.

Its another emo night that began just like any other emo night, with me sitting in front of my macbook in my room, with the lights turned off, and with emo music playing on my itunes playlist. For some reason or another, my emoness strikes when I least expects it too, and my mood swings from being upbeat and chirpy to being slightly depressed and all contemplative. I don’t mind being contemplative at times, but when contemplativeness turns my thoughts to the past, and starts raking up regrets, reopening old scars and wounds, I start to sink back down into the sinkhole from which I emerged from not too long ago.

I’ve made so many decisions in my life, so many choices and so many crossroads to choose from, and amongst them, I’ve made many a wrong decision. A wrong word along the way, a word decision to do or not to do, that in one way or another, changed the course of my life for better, but mostly, for worse. Decisions that left impacts in my left, both physical and emotional, and that altered the way I’d ever view certain things in life.

Charlotte’s gonna nag at me to stop being emo and start blogging the way I usually blog, to entertain her and everybody who reads my blog (anonymously, no doubt), to not be an emo-wuss, an emonemo and suck it up. Peh’s gonna tell me to “Just suck it up”, and I know of more than one person who’d love to tell me to wake up and stop wallowing in self-pity. But hey, its my life, and this is the way I’d like to reminisce and look back upon old memories.

I’ve let so many people down, and again, I’m at a loss. I don’t even know where to start or who to start apologising to. I’ve let people who thought I could’ve gotten my single chocolate bar down. It doesn’t matter if I know that I could’ve gotten it, or that I deserve it, or that I was so close to getting it. The mere fact still remains that I failed to get it. I failed to march past the grandstand in my ceremonial number 1 uniform, and I failed to slow march out to the tune of Auld Lang Syne, to get the bar and to march back to the strains of the OCS School Song.

The funny thing’s that my dream kinda died along with my spirit to fight on or do my best after that. I never did tell many people about it, but I did intend to make it my career. It is a leadership position, and I still believe that my forte’s in leadership positions. People say I’m arrogant, that I’m cocky and that ultimately I’m useless as a leader, but I don’t really give a rat’s ass about it. Because leadership doesn’t mean I have to do things that make others happy. Being a leader does not mean conforming to every whim and request of every single individual to please them all. Leadership means doing things that you deem fit, you, being the leader of the pack, the alpha male. Leadership means doing things to make other things possible. Well, now that one career path just vanished, I guess its back to the drawing board for more career paths.

I’ve let people who’ve loved me down. People who loved me unconditionally, who were there for me in my darkest moments and my lowest points in life. People who’d give their all for me. I’ve let them down. It doesn’t matter that I’m sorry for what I’ve done now, or that I’m regretting my actions. The mere fact still remains that what’s done cannot be undone and wounds that’re inflicted cannot be uninflicted, or that scars that exist cannot be removed. I’m sorry.

What’s funny’s that I’ve tried to fix others all my life as well. I’ve listened to more than one person tell me about their life problems, both in school and during my NS liability. I’ve provided more advice for others than I ever did for myself. People tell me I’m a good listener, and that I’m an entertainer. People tell me that they’re thankful that I was always there for them when they needed someone, and that they were grateful to me for providing that much needed bit of humour, no matter how dry or lame, in their lives at the most crucial moment. I do that with unconditionally, that’s for sure. But I’ve always wondered who’ll be there for me, to be my listener and entertainer, to provide me with some dry humour in my most crucial and darkest points in life. I thought I found it once, but a brief stint in Brunei proved otherwise. I thought I found it again, but again, certain mitigating factors proved otherwise.

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can’t replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Yes it can be worse, yes it definitely can.

Eh siao eh.

Ever wondered what the fuck people mean when they say,

It’s better to have loved than to never love at all.

Well I’ve been doing some pondering on certain subjects pertaining to the above mentioned quote, and I’ve come to conclusion that people who tell you that the above mentioned quote makes sense are complete and absolute idiots who probably haven’t been in love before, or who think that true love comes in rectangular packages marked with words such as “XXX Cheerleaders” or from links like www.xxx-cheerleaders.com.

Personally I liken the above mentioned quote to something along the lines of,

It’s better to have had tons of money, than to not have tons of money at all

Simi lanjiao loh. Its machiam I had USD$1,000,000,000,000 to my name last year, but due to my spending on food and cigerettes and booze and drum stuff and condoms I only have like USD$10 to my name now. So I walk into a casino and the following occurs.

Me: OI SIAO LIAN EH I WANT TO PRAY BRACK JACK LEH.

Casino staff: Sorry sir, you don’t have enough money to pay for the entry to the casino.

Me: OI SIAO EH. Last year limpeh got USD$1,000,000,000 gazillion loh. Or you just lemme play credit lah. I treat you teh tarik later lar siao lian eh. Eh sai lah.

Casino staff: I’m sorry sir, but you do not have the money with you right now, and we can’t let you play on credit. I’m truly sorry sir, I’ll have to ask you to leave.

Me: EH NABEI PUA TURBAN CHEEBYE LANCHEOW MP3LJBBBQ LIMPEH KA LI KONG LAST TIME LIM PEH IS GOTS MONEY LOH. IS BETTER TO HAVE SIBEI A LOT OF MONEY LAST TIME THAN TO NOT HAVE MONEYS LOH THEN BECOME CASINO STAFF LOH SIAO EH.

Casino staff: Sorry sir, if you put it that way, then I’d say that I’d prefer my current status. -takes out $50 note- At least I still have enough money on me to call for a prostitute. I’d wager you’d have to sell your backside to raise enough money for you to take a taxi home. Have a nice day sir.

VEH SIMILAR TO LOVE RIGHT.

Aiyah but I tell you, the worst thing is not being able to do anything about the person you like/love/lust/wannafuck. So limpeh ka li gong, loving someone but not knowing if that someone feels the same towards your, OR loving someone and knowing that it probably will never work out, is the most kanpua si lang horrigible thing that can happen to you.

Dirty little secret

come on and send the sign;
i’ll be your dirty little secret
and you’ll be mine.

American History X

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve watched American History X. Everytime I start deleting old movies that I don’t watch anymore, I always skip past the directory marked “A”. I’ve never even remotely contemplated deleting it, because its such a powerful movie.

American History X has got to be one of the most powerful movies I’ve ever watched in my 20 years of existance. Even though there’re scores of impressionable young kids around the world who view the movie as the movie for neo-nazism and for skinheads, their very own cult movie, I still stand by the fact that it is a powerful, and an amazing movie.

Indeed, I’d admit that I downloaded the movie, back when I was a young lad, to watch the scene where Derek Vinyard curbstomped a negro who tried to steal his truck. I admit that I downloaded the movie because I felt that Derek Vinyard’s swastika tattoos were damn cool.

And now here I am, re-watching the movie again and again. Not because I feel that it’s cool to be a Neo-Nazi or a skinhead, but because I feel that the message it sends across is amazingly clear and powerful. Makes you wonder about the human psyche and how some people could be manipulated to such an extent that their thinking and their way of life revolves around a flawed idealogy. It makes you wonder how some people could be so ignorant and bring racism to such an exaggerrated level.

Living on a prayer

It didn’t seem that long ago when I remember telling my friends who came to me for “priceless” (or was it worthless…?) advice on their relationship/pseudo-relationship/crush/infatuation problems. I vividly remembered telling most, if not all, of them to “follow your heart, because when you think too fucking much (exact words, I sunpa dua lampa), you start to become the bloody JC kid you are, weighing the pros and cons and trying to evaluate everything you do. And anyway your mind’s gay, so fuck it.”

Haha, I remember most of my friends telling me in a few days time that they were glad they followed their hearts. Of course there were the occasional anomalies who told me that they did follow their heart, but apparantly their hearts were gay too, so they’re just fucked. Whoops.

I remember thinking to myself, “Hey there’s nothing really special about love. Either you love the person, or you don’t. Why’re all the morons getting all emo over another person?” But I guess I can put myself in their shoes now.

Love’s a sin, really. It befuddles your mind, it destroys the logical part of your brain and it makes you do things that you’d probably not do in normal times. Love’s a gift from the Devil himself. When you do fall in love with somebody, you don’t care if she’s attached. You don’t bother if she’s Miss Popular or Miss Most Hated. When you fall in love with somebody, you don’t care what others think. When you fall in love with somebody, you lose yourself in the moment and you lose your ability to think logically.

If love’s a sin, and you’re the precursor to sinning, I’d gladly be the sinner.

Wideawake – Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrrow

I heard the news today. It came out of nowhere.
I wish I could run away, but where would I go?
Is this my destiny? Something so unfair…
What will become of me? God only knows.

And they say the road to heaven might lead us back through hell.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We’re so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, so we livestrong.

My pride is left for dead, as my world gets shaken.
The thoughts inside my head are so hard to control.
I am staring down the unknown, but one thing is certain.
You could break my body, but you will never break my soul.

And they say the road to heaven might leads us back through hell,
but we’re holding on for more than stories to tell.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We’re so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, so we livestrong.

Inside my circus

I like hiding in the mask of nonchalance, smothering myself in the carefree persona that I tend (like) to project out on others. Tis’ be my little hidey hole you see, I’m the Alice in my Pseudo-wonderland, and I’m a-tumblin’ head over heels down the rabbit hole that goes on forever.

But I like hiding in my mask of nonchalance.

I like smothering myself in the persona that isn’t really me.

I like tumbling down the never-ending rabbit hole that leads right down to Hell.

Because this way, I’m hiding within myself. And when I hide myself within myself, I cannot be injured. When I hide within myself, I cannot be touched. When I hide within myself, I am invincible.